


Luck Has Lead You Here

by serohtonin



Series: The Long Grift [1]
Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Break Up, Closeted Character, Frottage, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Masturbation, Regret, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-07
Updated: 2015-07-07
Packaged: 2018-04-08 02:06:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4286592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serohtonin/pseuds/serohtonin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darren loves his post-Glee gig but on days like this, he can't help thinking about the man he left behind. Takes place on the day of the Pride parade. Title taken from the song <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7AGaRZTOO8&list=PLZgHy3UgBWpxAcHjTjWLvI5BfLiEU_DSr&index=4">"Wicked Little Town"</a> featured in <i>Hedwig and the Angry Inch.</i> Contains spoilers from the show.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Luck Has Lead You Here

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't claim the relationships mentioned herein or the nature of Darren's orientation to be the truth. This is a work of fiction and I don't have access to anyone's brain other than my own.

Darren stands up on practiced platform heels but he's shaking tonight. He licks his lips, tasting the remnants of liquor and the notable absence of Chris.

It tastes like the loneliness of being surrounded by people who are never the right ones. There's always a crowd around him but lately it hasn't included Chris. They were on and off for the last three years and they had cooled off a little before Darren left the West Coast for Broadway. He knew it was the right move for his career and he missed Chris every day, especially since the landmark ruling on marriage equality. He considered calling him but settled on tweeting about it instead. Maybe Chris would see and understand that Darren really wanted to be free to be with him all this time.

He squashed down his disappointment when Chris inevitably didn't reach out to him and enjoyed the news in other ways. He had fun dancing on a float beside his cast mate while bringing awareness to issues affecting queer youth. This was something that really mattered to him, unlike all the times in L.A. where he had to trot himself out and perform like a show pony for every single charity. There was a bit of that here but without the stuffy benefactors and the mask of a suit and tie.

Instead he wore a mask of different kind: _ally._

He called himself a fucking ally, as if every time he had been inside Chris and felt his love was a lie.

Maybe it was. Chris isn't here with him anymore so it's not like he has proof their relationship existed, except when Darren wakes up and pats the other side of the bed, wishing Chris was a permanent fixture there. Darren never let him get that close anyway and had almost always left Chris alone in the early morning hours. Only in Darren's dreams did they wake up together, blissfully in love. Reality was much harsher.

He was trapped by industry professionals to keep up the image of a straight man playing gay and transgender, a revolutionary concept to most of the world. It's hip and creative to do subversive work, they said, and as long as he wasn't challenging his own sexuality outside of that, he was just an artist performing. It was great for his career but destructive to his personal life; the latter felt like a performance at times and the rumors of his relationship with Chris had become the sideshow act he tried to keep hidden behind the curtain. Chris couldn't take it after their emotional and sexual tug of war for three years so he left.

Darren couldn't blame him because he himself always had one foot out the door. His feelings for Chris had made him question his entire identity, or rather it finally brought out his true one. He had developed crushes on those of the male persuasion but that's all they were until Chris. His former costar was never just a crush, no matter how much Darren convinced himself he was.

Darren could only face this when he was drunk, alone, or surrounded by beautiful men he could playfully touch under the guise of being a cool, accepting _ally._

The word burns in his mouth even more painfully every time he uses it; he avoids it every chance he gets and avoids the topic of his so-called girlfriend whenever someone mentions her.

He's slowly killing her too with the weight of all the falsehoods he's been telling (she deals with it as long as she gets paid). Today, though, he could peek out from under that mask and see what it was like among the sea of rainbows where men had openly held hands with their partners of twenty years and swayed to the music wafting out from his float. Darren restrained his tears at sights like this and instead kept gyrating in tiny shorts with a smile on his face.

Now he's backstage waiting to go on, the smile disappearing when he remembers scrolling through his social media and catching an image of Chris beside someone else on the most important day of Hannah's life. He also remembers last year when he laid his head on Chris' chest and ran his fingers along his perfect fair-skinned stomach:

_"She's been through so much," Chris told him. "I need to be in the front row when she steps across that stage."_

_"You will be. You're an amazing brother. I wish I could be there with you."_

_Chris stiffened under his touch. "But you can't. You made your choice, Darren, by keeping us a secret all this time."_

_"It's not like we've been going steady. Y'know I could always unmake that decision anytime, baby."_

_"It's too late. You can't. And don't call me that. Like you said, we're not--We were never--You just can't say things like that."_

_Darren bent his head to kiss Chris' hip. "No it's not too late, not as long as we have this."_

_Chris shivered under the touch and chuckled derisively. "This is all we have now. It's all we've ever had. You can't tell me sweet things and back out at the last minute like you always do."_

_Darren almost snapped back that Chris acted similarly, always choosing other projects and people before him. However, Darren knew he was right, intentionally crafting his career to skyrocket further and further away from Chris' heart._

_He had fallen for Chris a long time ago but he let other people convince him that he should let that go. They said it was only a passing fancy and mere character bleed, though Darren's heart, body and soul told him otherwise. Even so, he settled for the occasional late night rendezvous in the sheets, crowded against a wall, or under the spray of a shower._

_After he told Chris that he couldn't settle down and that he enjoyed all the changes of his lifestyle, he realized that Chris was the only constant he wanted to count on._

_He wanted to be the one by Chris' side, holding his hand at family events and looking on with a smile. He never could though because he had damaged Chris with whispered private admissions while he pretending it was only fucking and friendship._

_It was love and Darren lied so much that it consumed him. He needed to set Chris free before he swallowed them both up in his desperate attempt to maintain his career._

_"You're right. I'm a mess," Darren confessed with a knot twisting up his gut. "You're a mess too. So why don't we enjoy it while we still can?"_

_He looked up at Chris, those bright blue eyes tinged with heartbreak as a tight grin graced his mouth._

_"That is exactly what I was thinking," Chris told him. "C'mere."_

_Darren quelled his feelings and reduced them to something baser than love as he straddled Chris' hips. They kissed and kissed until their shared past, present and future disappeared into an idea they could never quite reach._

_Chris only saw him a few more times after that and Darren pretended to move on._

He knows he really didn't though.

He never could, he realizes as he hears music blaring and a crowd out there waiting for him, and for her: for Hedwig. He has a job to do and he can't let his ghosts control him tonight, not when everyone out there supports him. He wipes his mouth and straightens his back, lifting himself into the harness he uses to make his entrance on stage. He needs to leave Darren behind before he crumbles and realizes he can't show up on Chris' arm anywhere.

He loses himself in the routine of the rock and roll princess for a little while but he can barely hold it in when the crowd cheers extra loud and half of them carry the symbol of pride, the rainbow flag that he has yet to adopt for himself.

It's a stab in the chest every time they wave it. Even so, he makes his regular joke about Chris Col-fur and how he has a contact. For an instant, he feels more connected to Chris. When he realizes that isn't the truth, he becomes Hedwig again, yelling more fiercely when his character feels betrayed by the person she thought was her other half.

Suddenly he understands how Chris feels that way too, becoming Darren's private muse and never given credit for his impact. When she recalls the rock star who loved her and ran away in terror, he thinks of how he ran every time Chris opened up to him. He should have treated him with care, like the precious gift he was rather than practically spitting on Chris' feelings.

He was a fucking sissy, just like Hedwig's Tommy had been. He's glad he has to break down and walk upstage, conferring with the rest of Hedwig's band as she is too overcome to continue. He's somewhere between himself and Hedwig by the time he's behind the microphone stand a few moments later, singing backup to Yitzhak, his character's husband, who's played by a woman named Rebecca. 

_"I'm just another dollar that you made in your long, long grift,"_ the actress sings. Darren sways in the background, remembering Chris' eyes shining as he played "I Don't Mind" for the first time in the quiet of Chris' living room right before the tour two summers ago.

Neither of them could deny their feelings then as they shared a heated gaze. Yet Darren covered it with kisses, letting the words lie between them so heavily that they became a weight he couldn't lift anymore.

He continued to grift everyone instead, convincing the world that he could love a woman the way he loves Chris just so he could make another buck and stay relevant.

He shakes the thought away before he can visibly break character and says the next lines to his costar. When she storms off the stage as scripted, he's left alone once more, living Hedwig's pain and his own.

Luckily he has a few moments to release it through a slow lamenting melody where Hedwig sings about being torn into parts that other people have snatched away from her. Darren can't help but feel the same, giving himself away to anyone who wants him despite the cost. This industry steals his time, his body, and his very essence, so much so that sometimes he can't even recognize himself. He was okay with it as long as as he had Chris' bed waiting for him. But now that that's gone, all he has is resentment for splitting himself up into fractions that are barely sewn together into one whole person. He's glad that the song morphs into something harder, bringing up the anger he really needs to express. 

He's never felt better under the pounding rock music and hot strobe lights, stripping off Hedwig's dark sequined mini dress and revealing nothing but tight black shorts. He grabs a glass bottle filled with liquid as per the stage direction. Usually he'll take a swig of water from it and release it into the crowd but tonight, he made sure to switch the water with pure vodka, essential after the long day of witnessing loving couples everywhere. They could kiss, touch and love each other in the bright light of day where he never could with Chris. He subtly downs a sip and then takes another mouthful which he spits into the audience. It burns his insides with regret and he can't bring himself to care that the spectators will smell it on themselves and know he's been drinking.

All he can think about is how he flaunted himself today in the sanctuary of acceptance, throwing it in Chris' face now that they're not together. He storms off to the side of the stage and catches his breath, not knowing whether he's Darren, Hedwig, Tommy or some other person entirely.

He buries himself in the rest of the performance, looking out into the mezzanine that's dotted with those damn flags. He can barely breathe now as he pictures Chris standing next to someone else as they cheer Hannah on at her graduation. Darren wasn't there by his own goddamn design. Maybe Darren could apologize to Chris through a song, like Tommy did to Hedwig. In the same vein, he realizes he pushed his lover so far away that he'll never return.

 _"'Cause with all the changes you've been through,"_ he sings, _"it seems the stranger's always you, alone again in some new wicked little town."_

Darren has changed since he left Los Angeles and grown into less of a stranger to himself but more estranged from Chris. Darren wears nail polish (for the role, he tells himself), acknowledges that he used to be called Daisy and dances on a fucking Pride float. Still, he can't bring himself to tell Chris the truth. Instead, he watches Chris in pictures on a screen when he's in the same city, promoting a book series that Darren himself helped inspire. This town still feels so small sometimes when he knows Chris is here but he won't text or leave a message, not even through the channels of other people.

It breaks Darren's heart but it's his fault; he can't open the lines of communication when he's the one who severed them. Darren hugged Chris tight when he got the role of Hedwig and aside from working on Glee, they hadn't been any more intimate and have barely spoken as themselves since then. He uses the inner turmoil to drive him through the finale of the show, letting Rebecca belt out her part. He turns his back on the audience and toward the light upstage, as he's turned his back on Chris when he focused on the bright promise of fame and success. He gets to live his dream yet he's without his love, just like Tommy.

He sighs and turns to face his cast mates and the energetic crowd who came to see him. A rush of adrenaline washes over him from all the love and support, both for him and for the LGBT movement. He gets caught up in the moment, grabbing a flag from a girl in the front row and waving it as he runs across the length of the stage. He mouths "Happy Pride" to the crowd, though he feels like crying for the future he can never have with Chris.

The people file out and he exits the stage, suddenly so overcome that he rushes back to his dressing room, ripping off those damn confining shorts he's worn for half the show. He's still covered in sweat and glitter, facing the crushing knowledge that Chris will never be his again. 

He needs more alcohol so he snatches up the vodka hidden in the vanity and swigs it straight from the bottle. This is the role that he wanted to live, one that he sacrificed Chris and himself to obtain. Though his relationship with Chris was already suffering, jetting away to New York right after Glee didn't help at all; it only pushed Chris further in the direction of another man's arms. Meanwhile, Darren has still pretended to the world that he's simply an ally of the community to which he secretly belongs. He takes a deep breath, standing there naked and downs another shot of vodka before wiping his mouth. 

There's a harsh knock on the door, informing him of a visitor. He wraps the silk robe around his body, barely pulling himself together so he can greet some other person from his past who wants to bask in his spotlight for five minutes. He plays the role and poses with him and other fans who pulled strings to see him backstage. When they're gone, he's thankful to shower Hedwig and all the attention off of him but soon, he'll have to turn it on again and address the crowd at the stage door. He appreciates the fans and signs every single item that people hand to him although he's exhausted from the day.

He retreats to the car that's waiting for him and once he's home, he collapses on his bed, not even bothering to call that hot brunette that everyone thinks is his girlfriend. Instead, he thinks of another person with chestnut hair, bright blue eyes and strong cheekbones, and of a night in New York several years ago, right after filming Kurt and Blaine's breakup:

 _Darren just wanted to fall into bed but he couldn't be alone, not after watching Chris'_ (Kurt's) _empty eyes as he walked away. Chris had humored him, joining him in his hotel room and spending the night. Darren slumped into the comfy chair at the desk and let Chris help him out of his shoes and socks and eventually the rest of his clothes, save for his underwear. Chris took off his shirt and pants too, left in nothing but briefs._

_Darren's eyes widened as he shamelessly roved Chris' body._

_"What are you doing?" Darren asked._

_"It's been a long day. I'm taking care of you. It's not like we haven't done this before." He smirked and straddled Darren's lap. "Just be quiet for once and let me do it."_

_Darren smiled. "Fine. Oh, ohh," he groaned when Chris started to circle his hips, his ass deliciously grinding against the base of Darren's dick._

_"Not exactly quiet but I'll take it." Chris chuckled, draping his arms over Darren's bare shoulders._

_Chris kissed his jaw, continuing his tortuous movements. Darren cupped Chris' face and pulled him closer so that their mouths met, every part of them fitting perfectly together. As Chris brought him to full arousal, he realized there was no other place he ever wanted to be except near the gorgeous man on top of him._

Darren catches his breath and returns to the present, realizing he never will be that close to Chris again. He settles for pulling his cock out of his pants and stroking himself, pretending it's Chris who's touching him. He quickly snatches lube from his nightstand but only uses a little, wanting it to be rough and just this side of painful, a jarring reminder of his solitary existence. He works himself over down to the base, rubbing his pinky over each ball and grazing his asshole.

He moans, remembering when this city belonged to him and Chris, the world outside that hotel room be damned. He brings his fingers back up, swiping his thumb over the head and gathering the precome already pooling there. Chris had done the same thing then and kissed his pain away, unlike now when all he has is his own hand for company. He jerks himself harder, his eyes watering as the memory breaks through once more:

 _Chris broke their kiss and laughed, his nose scrunching up adorably._

_"Let's never leave this spot," Chris suggested._

_"Mmm," Darren murmured in agreement, pecking his mouth and then reaching for Chris' dick. He whispered Chris' name sweetly and thrust his hips up as he dotted kisses down his neck._

_"Then let's stay here forever," Darren added with a nuzzle to Chris' collarbone._

_Darren kept up his ministrations and Chris cried out._

Darren cries out in real life at the recollection. Soon after that, he spills over his own fist with Chris' name on his lips and tears streaking his cheeks. He leans back against the mattress and looks around his spacious, empty apartment.

He wipes his dirty hand on the blanket, ready to go rinse the shame away, but then he feels his phone vibrate against his thigh. He pulls his cell from his pocket, clearing the meaningless notification so he can stare at the lock screen, a picture of himself and Chris from one of the last days of filming Glee: Darren is smiling brightly and wearing the hat that Chris made for him while Chris' smile is just as huge. Darren's fingers hover over the screen but he decides against unlocking it and dialing the number that he desperately wants to call.

He takes his shoes and socks off along with the rest of his clothes and then curls up in bed, thinking that maybe when he wakes up, he could leave a voicemail for Chris.

It will go unanswered but at least it'll be one more try.

\----

He does message Chris the next morning:

"Hey, it's Darren," he chuckles wryly as if Chris wouldn't recognize his voice. "I missed you a lot yesterday and I know I've fucked up in the past but if you're still in the city, maybe we can hang out some time tonight. I've got a thing so we can meet up after if you're down. I just--I need you and I love you. I've always loved you and I'm a douche for leaving it in a voicemail but here it is. You deserve to know. Um, bye. See you soon. Or not. Whatever."

He takes a shower, eats breakfast and then he tries writing songs for a bit. He pauses to check his phone and there's only a message from the "girlfriend" and his manager, nothing from Chris.

He strums a bunch of melancholy tunes for hours on his guitar until it's time to get ready for the charity event he has to attend. He checks his phone as he walks downstairs to the car that's waiting for him. Still no answer from Chris.

Despite the worry grating his nerves, he turns on his show face as soon as he reaches the venue and greets a waiting crowd outside. He graciously poses for pictures and signs a few autographs before taking his cue on stage for his part in the performance.

After his bit is done, he checks his phone religiously for hours and hours, receiving nothing but radio silence, so he gives up and goes home alone. He knows the odds are against him; still he hopes that Chris is somewhere out there listening to him, following his voice.

Until then, he'll rethink all the choices he's made that have ripped him away from his other half, and he'll be dreaming of the day where he can be whole again.


End file.
